Abyss

About me vol. 2

2011-10-25T13:38:00.000-07:00

Well well dear reader, it's been a while, hasn't it? Then again, not like there are that many (or any) readers.

Taking a look at my last post, seriously huge amount of time has passed since then and I feel like I haven't covered any parts of the past year. As you see this post's been titled 'about me vol. 2' so I plan on filling you all with a little more information about me, but I tend to switch between subjects so my apologizes beforehand if this post turns out to be filled with lots of irrelevant information.

To begin with, I've finished my first year at the university and to be honest, the year has proven to be major disappointment. Not that I was expecting too much but at least I was looking forward to getting to know new people and kind of an adventure through this world that was supposed to be 'new' to me. Well, I did get to meet an average amount of people, but most of them weren't the type one could get on with, if you know what I mean. The usual 'inside the system' kind of people, who are aimlessly doing whatever they are told to do. Aside from people, the academic environment in the university was definitely missing, which kind of resulted in my carefree approach to the studies. Although my university life sucked, it still had this one bright side, two of my mates were taking the same course, so that kind of got me through the first year without being bored to death.

Well sure thing's weren't looking too bright at the university, but it still hadn't affected my friend circle, where now most of us had become students but had all the more reasons to go drinking. I'm not sure if it has come somewhere on the way or was always like that but after the past year I've gotten closer to some people that used to be more distant, and I value that quite a bit. Ah, right, I forgot to mention that I was at this one academy for like a week, and I got to meet some really awesome people, learned a lot about liberty and liberalism and shared some fun times with those people.

Somewhere on the way my relationship had crumbled just like that which resulted in labeling this year as not one of the best years. You know, every year I say that the next year is going to be even better than the last one, and it's usually true, and I think that's because I make it happen. But in this year, for the past months I haven't really tried making it any better, I don't know what exactly caused that but I didn't want to bother, and didn't. Well although I've done some awesome stuff somewhere along the way, making me feel good about myself. You know, I'm not sure how other people do things, how other people live through their adventure called life, and I don't know what's natural and what's not. For example, when I do something like, don't know, awesome? Yeah, awesome, and recall that, I feel really good about it. I don't really care if others know about it or not, I always thought that as long as I know it, it's cool. And I still think that way.

Earlier I said that I don't quite know how people live their lives, that's exactly so. You know, I'm quite observant and consider myself fairly smart and generally I should be able to at least have a rough idea about what kinda person someone is just by small interaction with him/her, but boy it's not that simple. People are complicated and they're also amazing. You never know whatever could really be on their minds, unless you know the person, I don't know, like a family member or something, and even if you do, you cannot be sure. I have always wanted to know what life looks like through other people's eyes, but you don't get a chance like that that often. One of the reasons why I've picked up this quill pen(yeah, I know) is because I at least want to give others an option to look at the world through my eyes. Heck, it might not be hella interesting or I might not even be able to get the thing across you but I'm trying and gonna keep doing so until I feel that I have either succeeded or failed.

I just had a quick look at my first volume of 'About me" and I see I haven't really given that much information about myself and looking back I frankly think that my writing style sucked back then. Anyway, here is the awesome me, going through the second year at the university(oh by the way, I've picked up Spanish language, me gusta), growing up bit by bit and discovering more about this thick book called life, falling and getting back on my feet, setting goals and trying to find my purpose in life and being honest to myself. Oh yeah as it has to come to honesty, don't know if you know me yet or will get to know me sometime in the future, I'll tell you this one thing, I don't tell lies. You know, life is so much easier when you have nothing to hide and are just honest. Although, just because I'm honest, doesn't necessarily mean that it makes me simple, I think there's more to me, however I believe that people are iridescent, one may appear to be totally mysterious from one angle, and a simpleton from another. Ah right and, although the past year has proven to be as awesome as expected, it's not over yet, and I still have time to make it one of the better memories.

Anyway I've wanted to write a lot(well technically I did), but couldn't really regain my touch, but I tell you this, reader, although at the moment the world you get to see through my eyes(or not get to see) is not telling you the story, I'll live a life that will make your read interesting and give you this wide grin on your face while you're at it.

Until later,

Embrace the Night

2011-04-24T07:34:00.001-07:00

If you are visiting this blog, it's most likely that you more or less know me, and well if you don't, here's one thing about me: I go to sleep when the sun starts rising (approx. 6 AM).

Most of you may wonder, what the hell do I during the night? Well, the answer is simple "nothing special". Well yeah, nothing out of ordinary, you see, I'm sitting in front of my PC (no I'm not a geek) and doing what I usually am. Surfing net, playing Heroes of Newerth, watching movies or just recalling memories. But why do I do all of that during the night when it could be done during the day?

You see, day can be both 'good' and 'bad'. I can define it in many possible ways but let me just choose a simple example: A rainy, gloomy, cloudy day. That kind of weather is a big turn off, at least for me. I don't feel like either going out or staying home. I don't feel like studying, I don't feel like doing anything. You see, day is supposed to be bright, the sun shining early and stuff. When that ain't happening, I just lose any enthusiasm to make 'things better'. The view from my balcony during such days is especially grey and god damn it, I hate it when its grey. In the past there used to be a huge tree, I really mean it, it was like the biggest tree I had ever seen. Even during the cloudy days it was standing there in front of my house, looking grand, and looking at it from my balcony would bring a little light into this world of grey but them bastards have cut down that tree and now there are no colours. I don't mean to sound negative it's just I don't know why but a colourful, beautiful scenery plays a big role for me.

During those kind of days I mostly have my curtains down until it's dark outside. Well what's different about the whole gloomy situation when it's night? It's simple. You see, the night is always dark and maybe there's a moon shining but that's different. At night, it's natural for it to be dark. Yeah it's still raining but you know what? It doesn't create that gloomy atmosphere anymore, 'cos it's already dark. And when I say dark I don't mean it in negative way. Night has that mysterious touch to it. Even when it's raining I wouldn't hesitate to go out at night because it'd feel so different. You feel them raindrops falling on your skin, you look up at the sky and you see its purplish black. Not grey. It's like a whole different world out there at night.

Besides that, there are less people late out at night. You see the earth is overpopulated, it's quite hard to find a place to just yourself. You are bound to run into someone no matter how far you go. I don't mean that I want to be all alone, what I mean is that even when I'm out late at night with friends, and there are no people surrounding us, you can slightly feel that calmness. It feels like the place is ours, you see.

Know there's also another thing. I don't know how many of you like the sunset, but I don't really like seeing sun go down. I like it when sun's rising and when does that happen? - You're damn right, at the 6 AM! When you know that another day has come around, and when you see the sun rising above the skies, just what could better than that? Yeah, nothing. And another thing! Yeah, you know, when I was a kid I always wondered from those thousand stars which were the planets from our solar system, and guess what, I couldn't tell. I never bothered to get myself involved into astronomy but one thing I know, when sun is about to rise, I can see Venus - the morning star.

So all in all I can say that I'm a night person, I enjoy that mysterious touch to it and the calmness. Then again I don't mean that I don't enjoy those sunny summer days but if I were to compare I'd say that the night is always more breathtaking.

So long.

P.S. Are you good at scrabble?

To sum it all up

2010-12-06T05:08:00.000-08:00

I think it's a good thing that my blog has no visitors, because when I feel like talking something out, I can always come here and rant all I want, without really bothering others and still leaving some kind of thrill that someone might just stumble upon my posts.

You might have noticed that at least half of my posts were about love, love trouble, my girlfriend, my feelings, valentines day and such. Those kind of stories annoy the reader the most. Nobody needs more drama, everybody has their own share already so forcing your troubles upon someone is just selfish. Well you see, I am an only child, and we generally tend to be selfish, so allow me to be selfish for the very last time.

As I already said, I am an only child, and as I have already mentioned in my introduction, I have always lived with me mother and aunt. You know, they probably fall in a category that people tend to call 'over protective'. Because of that I kind of grew unsocial type. Well, I can't say that I'm not social but there are some characteristics that I share. Last year around this time I have started a journey to find a new place to return to. And I found one, god I was merry. It was during my finishing year, that should have been full of stress and hardships, yet that person has helped me to overcome it all. How? She had me fall in love with her, not just love, but in love. You know, I had a thing for fair amount of girls, had some short term relationships, but I really didn't have an attachment.

I haven't let anyone to know me, the real me, ever, I usually would just adjust to the society/person and act accordingly, but in front of that person, I bare it all. I could talk about anything, and I did. I didn't hold back at all, I just gave in. It wasn't looks, it wasn't family, etc, it was just pure love. You know, I really love my parents to death, but this love, was different, possibly just as strong as my love for my parents. For some time, I was one of the happiest men to walk on this damned earth, you know. You, dear reader, if you haven't been in love yet I believe you don't know, how it feels, to look forward to seeing your lovers face every week. How much you yearn for her to wrap her hands behind your back and tell you that she's there, how exciting it is, to tell her, that you love her. You know, usually, the word love, is kind of overused and has lost it's meaning, but boy, every time I said it in Georgian, 'მიყვარხარ', I would put not half, but my whole soul in that very verb.

Can it be that every single day you think about the same person? Seriously, every day? Fuck yes it can be and I have lived through it all right. When she was sick, when she was got yelled at by parents, when school didn't go alright for her, I was thinking how to make her feel better. You know, although I'm usually being told the opposite, I am really bad at expressing myself, so I guess all of my worries didn't really connect to her, but god I was thinking about her all the time alright. We even had a little break up during our relationship, it was me who initiated that, and the whole time, until we made up, she was on my mind. Be it a vacation at the sea, a trip to the mountains, a drinking party at friends, clubbing out at late night, she was there, in my head.

You know, before I got into a relationship, I thought that if I were to ever fall in love, my partner would be most fortunate, because I would show her bottomless love and warmth, I really believed that there was no other person on this earth who would be able to love more than I could. Totally serious, I know, it sounds so selfish, childish, self centered, but god I really believed that. Yet as I found out, I had been blind all the long, making her suffer and hurting her, just by being there. Pathetic, aren't I. You know, usually I wouldn't need to write about such stuff on blog, because I had a place to go to, but now, that very place is the reason I'm writing this here. Ironic, isn't it?

What's even more sad, a week prior to the breakup, I was with her, laying on her lap, without a care in the world, knowing that this person was in love with me, and I was in love with her. Seriously, it was one of the best dates so to say, and you know what? It turned out to be a good bye. By that that, she had already made up her mind, although she didn't tell me back then. I, foolish me, didn't suspect a thing, after that party, she was sick, and I was worried sick, because her parents wouldn't have a doctor see her, and it was painful, seeing how insignificant I was, I couldn't do much, just think about her and support her verbally. She told me she needed me, and I was there late at night thinking how to ease her pain. I guess my thoughts, never reached her. I was so looking forward to her recovery, 'cause she told me she missed me, and I missed her too, madly. In the end I didn't get to see her, because she ended it all on a phone, of course I can't blame her, it was me who called her. Ironically, on that very day, when she broke up with me, some hours earlier, I was thinking how much I missed her and how much I loved her, like I always did.

She told me that she still loved me, but it had to end, but that 'მიყვარხარ' didn't sound anything like the usual one. It was dull, with no feelings in it, kind of forced, you know, and that hurt even more, 'cause that meant, that she wasn't in love with me, and I felt like a fool, you know, getting hyped over the fact that I was listening to her voice, because god, I loved her voice. Not only voice, whenever she said anything, be it by a phone or text or face to face, I was always so excited. Excited while expecting her texts late at night, rushing to phone every time I heard a text arrive, mostly it was my providers adverts though, god damn it, and yeah, I felt like a fool, for I was hyped a like a child being hyped upon receiving a candy. You know what hurts the most? When you want to say "I love you" but there's nobody to say it to.

The fact that I write it here, it's also kind of pathetic, because I could have written all of this in a notepad or somewhere, where nobody would see, but boy am I pathetic, knowing that she might visit this blog and read this very post, it lights a candle of hope back up. I am mad, sad, disappointed, I feel insulted, hurt, abandoned, yet there is still "What if..." echoing in my mind, waiting for her to tell me to stop her, and despite denying that I would, just, how could I not...

Oh and there comes December 27th, wouldn't have thought that I'd be meeting this day alone this year.

Summer Holidays (GEO special edition)

2010-10-25T18:41:00.001-07:00

ზაფხულის აუტანელი სიცხე მძვინვარებდა. ეროვნული გამოცდების შედეგად შემორჩენილი სტრესისგან განსათავისუფლებლად მეგობრებთან ერთად წავედი ზღვაზე იმ იმედით რომ გართობა-დასვენებასთან ერთად თავს დავაღწევდი გაუსაძლის სიცხეს, მაგრამ სანამ ამ წარმოსახვით სამოთხეს მივაღწევდით წინ მატარებლით მგზავრობა გველოდა. ყველაფერი კარგად იქნებოდა რომ არა დაგვიანებული ბილეთების შეძენა, რის გამოც ეგრეთ წოდებულ ”პლატსკარტით” მოგვიწია მგზავრობა. მატარებლის ორმაგი მინები, ზაფხულის ცხელი ამინდი და არც თუ ისე სასიამოვნო სუნი. ამ ყველაფრის ფონზე, ძილზე ხელი ჩავიქნიეთ. ყველანაირი მოტივაცია თითქმის დაკარგული გვქონდა, მაგრამ იყო ერთი პოზიტივი, ჩვენ ოთხნი ვიყავით. ამას ისიც დაემატა რომ იმავე მატარებელში აღმოჩნდნენ ჩვენი სკოლელები. მუსიკა, კარტი, სიგარეტი, მგზავრებზე ხალისი, თბილისში დარჩენილ მეგობრებთან დარეკვა და მათი გაღვიძება, ისევ სიგარეტი(მე რა თქმა უნდა, პასიური მწეველი) - აი ამით მოვახერხეთ 7 საათიანი მგზავრობა ასე თუ ისე შეგვემსუბუქებინა.

ჩავედით, თენდებოდა, პირველი რაც ვიგრძენი იყო, თბილისისთვის დამახასიათებელი ჩვეული გამონაბოლქვით სავსე ჰაერისგან განსხვავებული - სუფთა, სასიამოვნოდ ნესტიანი და ზღვის არომატით სავსე ჰაერი. დაღლა უკვე აღარავის გვახსოვდა, სწრაფად მივედით მეგობრის სახლში, დავყარეთ ბარგი, მაგრამ სანამ ზღვაზე გავიდოდით, 7 საათიანი შიმშილის გრძნობა დავიკმაყოფილეთ. შემდეგ ზღვა, ცივი წყალი, ქვიშა და დასვენება. მიუხედავად ყველაფრისა, მოლოდინი ერთისმხრივ ვერ გამართლდა - მაინც ცხელოდა, ჰაერი მხოლოდ გამთენიისას თუ იგრძნობოდა, შუადღიდან ღამემდე კი ზაფხულის აუტანელი სიცხე მძვინვარებდა. ჩვენი დღე საკმაოდ მომხიბვლელად მიმდინარეობდა: ჭამა, სახლში კარტის თამაში, ისევ ჭამა, ღამით კი სასმელი, ბევრი სასმელი, კლუბში გართობა, შემდეგ კი ოთახში დილამდე ლაპარაკი, კამათი, გიტარა, სიცილი, დილით კი - მეზობლების უკმაყოფილება.

Freiheit

2010-10-16T11:36:00.000-07:00

It sure has been a while since I've written an article on this blog... well to make a short summary of past months I'd like to say that I've gotten into an university and studying on the faculty of Business Administration. Besides that I went to the sea with my mates to have some fun and relax after the stressful entrance examinations. During the time we spent together at some point I was told that I was restricting myself too much, not relying on anyone, thinking too much and shortly to say not letting myself to be 'free'.

It's been few months since that and it just hit me recently, what is the definition of freedom? Living in this small land surrounded by powerful neighbors, freedom could be to have this land for ourselves. For the naturalists freedom would mean being able to walk around freely displaying their body. For a little kid who's struggling to convince his parents to let him stay bit longer awake in front of the TV could mean that he's free. For some teenage girl with strict parents it could be going out late at night clubbing. Oh I almost forgot, ability to fly, I think that means ultimate freedom for many of us, despite it being physically impossible.

The way this world works, we are bound to be restricted by something. Be it a work schedule, parents or our lifespan. I guess we all know that if we were given the ultimate freedom we'd do our best to abuse it. Naturally, in a society or community, there has to be some constraints - the burglar can't have the freedom to steal, the thug cannot have the freedom to mug, but it was us who who turned others into thugs and burglars, wasn't it? Taking all of the above into the consideration, it's not that surprising that we have given the right to control us to some important figures. Despite that fact we still strive to achieve this 'freedom'. Ironic, is it not?
It's our way of doing things. I mean, first we have to destroy what we have, and then make it our ultimate goal to fix it.

What is actually necessary to be free? Do you have to be intelligent? Have more knowledge then others? Is it all about I.Q.? Or if you were to remain an idiot until the very end you'd have more freedom than others? Is the newborn child free? Someone who doesn't gives a crap about anything, is he free? Heh, don't expect me to answer all of above questions, because there is no way in hell I could.

When I first started thinking about freedom, I came to conclusion that you have to know 'a bit' more than others so to be able to choose your own path, be able to make a choice on your own and live your life the way you want. The fact that I realize that there are restrictions itself means that I have the possibility of getting past them. With knowledge there comes another question, aren't we restricted by this very same knowledge that was supposed to open our eyes and help us achieve freedom? If I were to answer this question I would say yes, we are bound to be restricted by our very own knowledge, but come on, let's get real here. 'Ultimate Freedom' is not achievable by any means, it's like, in the theory of forms(ιδέες), we all know what it is, but we are only able to see/implement a part of it in reality.

Being able to live my life the way I want, being able to satisfy my desires, having the chance to change something, having various choices, that's what makes me free. I have my thirst of knowledge because I want to be able to walk on my own. That in no way means that I want to be a loner, just means that it gives me the opportunity to analyze something on my own, and know what the hell I am actually doing. It doesn't mean that I have to always do what's 'right' but it means that I'll know whatever the hell this 'wrong' is all about and be prepared to face the consequences of it. Am I underestimating freedom? I don't think so, but that's up to the reader to decide.

The Northern Lights

2010-08-11T11:17:00.000-07:00

During my 18 years, I have never really had any special goal, aim in life. I kind of followed the flow. Don't misunderstand, I'm not complaining, it's been quite satisfying this way.

One day I came across a novel called "Northern Lights" by Philip Pullman, back then I got the rough meaning of the Aurora(aka Northern Lights) but when I finished reading the trilogy I did some research in the internet. I was astonished. Such magical thing really existed and could be witnessed on earth. As a romantic by the nature, I often look for those small but beautiful things that exist in this world. When I learned about the Aurora, I set it as my aim to witness it's appearance myself before I die.

I often imagine that day when I go to Sweden or some other Scandinavian country and wait for the night to see the greenish light shine. Just thinking about that day excites me so much and feeds me with positive energy. There are so many people I'd love to take with me, sitting quietly, speechlessly, gazing at the vast sky.

Although it's explained scientifically, for me, and I believe for many others, there's something magical, mystical and entrancing about this phenomenon.

I relate to this song alot cause I'm superman!

2010-06-28T13:37:00.000-07:00

The last day as a school student

2010-05-22T04:40:00.000-07:00

May 21st, a day that was supposed to be sad and devastating, turned out to be more or less similar as the most of the other days.

It was a day when we left school for good and started walking on the path of adulthood. It meant we would have less chances to get together as classmates. All the years spent together would become nothing but distant memories. Yet it couldn't trigger anything in my heart, why was that, I wonder. We had been together for about 12 years, yet it didn't actually mean too much for a lot of us, judging by the first glance.

On that very last day we did our very best to present a show that would please the public, make other classes envious and show our unity. Although it seemed like that for a bystander, in reality it was the opposite. A class split into more than 5 groups, badmouthing each other behind their backs, but smiling when they are face to face. That's our true unity.

Celebration, it was supposed to be grand, but in the end it turned out to be one of those usual 'get together's that that happen every now and then. Everyone scattered in different locations, split into the usual groups, without any care in the world for the unity. No sign of sadness, as everyone knows that they'll still get to see their crew, as for the rest they couldn't care less.

Not that many memories to talk about, as as a whole class we shared almost none, no funny stories to recall, as it would piss someone off and he/she would show that 'how dare he/she' attitude, because we didn't think of each other as someone who we had spent alot of years together, but just another person who we happened to get to know along the way.

In the end the effect of all this will be that we will learn who our true friends were, and the ones who were just pretending, will continue to smile in our face and spit behind our backs.

On a side note, the truth might be far from all above written, and it might just be my blind eyes that can't see much more than this, but I have yet to be proven wrong.

If anyone will find him/her self offended by this, then I guess it was just hit the nail and hence the anger, if not then one will laugh all this off and think of it as nothing more than a murmur of a blind fellow.

Fare thy well.

2010-05-03T05:39:00.001-07:00

Life is wonderful

2010-04-14T07:44:00.000-07:00

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la

Yet again I start my post with lyrics of another awesome song, maybe I could even leave it at that, it probably would be more than enough, wouldn't it?

If someone were to ask me what's the best feeling in the world, I probably would come up with some humorous answer like "When you put your head on a fluffy pillow" or something of that kind. But in all honesty, it's the best feeling in the world, when you open your eyes after night sleep and realize that another day has dawned. No, by this I in no way mean that I like waking up, but the fact that we are able to wake up.

I love the life, I seriously do. Yes it can be full of shit sometimes but it's shit that we, the people around us or the society has caused, and blaming it on the life itself would be unfair. Life can not be more fair to people, I mean, it gives you a chance to live, to live the life. I am satisfied by the simple fact that I am able to live my life, and I am no minimalist, that fact it self means that it's more than enough.

Quite often I come across people who oh so much 'hate' the life. Nobody hates the life, even the ones suicide, used to love the life. They may hate their current selves, the way they led their life, their past, present and what's ahead of them, but none of them could actually hate the life. Survival of the fittest; what's behind that statement? We try to survive, because we love the life. We destroy, kill, steal, fight, wage wars because we want to survive ourselves, because the life is so precious to us, and we want to make it even better. But those who destroy the lives of others are just worst scum out there, and sadly enough this world is full of such scum.

Still, I can never understand the people who strive to end their lives. I mean, it can't be that bad can it? Hell I never had the best childhood or life or whatever there is but ending my life has never crossed my mind. Why, you may wonder, because, again, if everything is looking really bad, I still have a chance to welcome another dawn. That fact, from my point of view, is so full of positive feelings that I could go on living with just that being the only good thing in my life. Exaggerated? Maybe, but still, just think about it, how awesome it is to be alive, to be able to breath, see, feel.

The way we live, depends in the first place on us and then on the ones who are around us, so if you are dissatisfied with something about your life, don't go out yelling how much you hate it, but try to look for that someone or something that has forced you to hate your life. Erase the source, and try to be happy, happy because you are alive.

That's about it, I guess
Life is wonderful.

Best Regards,

Familiar Faces

2010-04-02T00:56:00.000-07:00

worn out places, worn out faces
bright and early in daily races
going nowhere, going nowhere

Actually, this post is not about the song at all.

You know, throughout our life, fortunately, we get to meet a lot of people. Each encounter is precious, each new person you get to know makes your life even more diverse. It might be your childhood friend, it could be random person who happened cross the street at the same time as you did, it may be your ex-classmate, someone you used to secretly admire, like or even dislike. You get to know so many individuals, each one of them in unique in way. You learn more about people, more about society, more about life.

After those encounters you either stay friends 'till the end or after a short period of time the friendship ends. No matter the reason, it is always sad to see a part of your life disappear like that. I guess I am being a bit selfish, when I call people 'part of my life' but hey, it takes every single one of them to make my life complete. Every single person I met has his own place in my mind and that is irreplaceable.

You can't help but think about people you have lost. Every now and then thoughts like "I wonder what he/she is up to" cross my mind. I mean, if it's been a while after I last spoke to or saw someone, of course I would be interested how they are doing. I am interested to learn more about their life, about new stuff that happened, so on and so forth.

It was about two weeks ago, I was waiting to meet my mate to check out some driving schools. I was standing in the middle of a quite crowded street, looking randomly on the left and right. Once when I turned my head around, I saw two familiar figures coming out of a corner. They looked like twins. At first I was not sure if it was them, but soon I was sure. They were twins from my English courses, we used to be sort of classmates I guess.

I hadn't seen them for quite a while, we used to keep in touch with a cell phone and internet but later on even that was cut off. So I was really delighted to see them like that. Surprisingly, I didn't call out for them. I mean, I saw their faces, they looked like they were doing just fine. It made me happy. I mean, I hadn't seen them for years, and when you see they are doing good, isn't that great? I thought there was no need to call out and just watched their backs disappear in the midst of crowd.

This is sort of directed to every single person that got to meet me in their life and we don't keep in touch anymore;

I hope life's treating you kind and everything's alright. If one of you feels like filling in those lost years, just get in touch with me, I won't bite, or well, that depends how good you taste.

Best Regards,

Midnight Madness

2010-03-24T09:25:00.000-07:00

Okay it's been a while after my last post so I guess it's about time I write something new. Well in all honesty I don't really care about time, just thought this was something to write about, and that's all about it.

My usual day begins with me visiting my math tutor. Roughly after 2 hours I get back home, have my breakfast and then check the facebook and all that crap on PC. Okay, after a while I have to start working on my homework, and yeah, that keeps me 'entertained' for a while. Sometimes I lay down on a sofa for some rest and unwillingly I fall asleep. Usually after that I wake up in the afternoon, unless my parents decide to go hitler@me and wake me up for whatever reason there might be. (God, my mood's really horrible when someone wakes me up). Ok, after that I might grab some food and then get back to the homework. Usually I finish at 11 PM or so, and then stay awake till 3:00 AM. What the hell am I doing that late? I usually watch movies at night.

When I am sleepy enough, I slowly begin to finish things up and go to the bed. I always set up an alarm clock on my cell phone,(Although I always turn it off when it goes off and continue my sleep) that shows something like "4:37 minutes left" and I am like, "Fuck you, I already know that" and angrily place it somewhere safe. Now finally, the moment of epicness, when I am able to smash my head against a fluffy pillow and lay down. But wait. All that doesn't end just there. As I am in bed I start thinking, and I really mean it. I think about a lot of stuff, I often say to my girlfriend that I'm thinking about million things, she always thinks that I'm kidding but hell no, once I start thinking, I think about everything. One of the most ridiculous things is that I always make up my mind to "Seriously start studying from tomorrow onward" but on the very next day, at night, I repeat the same thing "OKAY, REALLY, TOMORROW I'M GONNA START IT, NO KIDDING" and it's a never ending cycle, for now.

Right now, I think I'm going to lay down on my sofa and 'unwillingly' fall asleep, I am so sleepy that my head hurts.

So long guys.

P.S. I nearly got killed on the water fountain the other day, lol

Muse - Uprising

2010-03-13T09:27:00.001-08:00

Feelings

2010-02-26T12:54:00.000-08:00

Hey, I have decided to have another 'out of the blue' post, it's about my feelings, which of course, mainly concern my girlfriend;

For 18 years, I have felt no love, I have sealed away all my emotions. Up until December I thought that showing my true emotions and feelings would give other people the ability to control me. Of course, it was not noticeable, as I was wearing a mask everywhere, with everyone. I always had that cheerful face on, laughing, 'enjoying' the life like most of people thought. In reality I was keeping all the emotions within and my heart was slowly turning into an ice cube.

In December, I got to meet a person whose feelings were so warm that they melted down the ice that was all over my heart. I felt love. That person, currently, is the only person to whom I am not afraid to show my emotions and feelings. There is nothing fake, no lies, no distrust. If I could extract my soul, I would without slightest hesitation entrust her with it.

My every single day, begins with a thought about her and ends with a thought about her. Even when I am asleep, I am sure she is in my thoughts. I have come to love every new morning, because I know there is a possibility that I will get to meet her, because it's a new day and we will talk about how we spent our days, we will create more great memories together.

I cherish every single second I spend being with her, talking to her. I feel complete. If something were to happen to me and if I were to die, I am sure I would come back from the underworld just to not leave her side. I don't know how to put all this in words, you know that feeling, when you are with someone, and you know that you should be there, with that person. That's it. When I see her smile, no matter what, I become twice as happy. When I see sadness in her eyes, I am twice as sad.

The thing why I am writing this post is that, all those feelings are overflowing, and I can't keep all that in. I want to go out and scream for the hell of it, I want to somehow release all of this. This post is one way, but I am positive that this won't help me at all. I am deep in love and every day, is like, falling in love all over again.

Valentine's Day

2010-02-15T03:26:00.000-08:00

Okay well before I recall all of those great memories which I had in January, I decided to make an update on current time of the year so here it goes;

Well for me and my girlfriend every single day we get to meet is little Valentine's Day, so neither of us had any special feelings about the forthcoming Valentine's Day. Moreover, as her parents did not know about us, and we did not want them to heard about us just yet, we thought it would be best idea to stay at home on 14th. I mean, if she had went outside, no matter the excuse, her father would be convinced that she is going out with someone. So to avoid that, both of us were sitting at home.

I have thought about a lot of different stuff, like leaving a pink rose(she dislikes red ones) near her window the the outside or something similar, but knowing the father the rose would be discovered first by him and then by my girlfriend. So I couldn't really be original here. Well the day continued and we were chatting on IM.

The weather was great, I mean sunny and stuff (Hello, it's winter and snowing here). It was just painful to sit at home and just talk. Both of us wanted to meet face to face, enjoy the Valentine's Day and maybe exchanged a kiss or two; In the end I ended up asking her out, then we waited till her father left and she sneaked out. Surprisingly, she had planned to meet some of our friends and I didn't know about that. I was walking to her area and I wasn't really in a hurry, but as I arrived she was furious because I was "so late".

Then I found out that we were going to meet the others and took a bus to the destined place. I acted up as I was angry because she sort of yelled at me, and wouldn't look her way, but she felt guilty and kept on staring at me until I hugged her, meaning that I had forgiven her. Also I was not really fond of the idea of meeting the others, I mean it was our Valentine's Day, sharing it with some other folk sounded just sad to me.

Well as we met the others we headed over to one of friends house and sat there for a while. It was not anything special but I guess we had our share of fun in some way. As 9 o'clock was approaching I was worried because my girlfriend had to be home soon and we didn't get to spend much time together at all. As we left and arrived where her house is located, we took a little detour to the nearby park, to spend a little time together, you know. There I passed her my present. She was happy, and so was I but both of us knew that we had to leave soon;

I escorted her home and then left the place. It was Sunday and I had a lot of stuff to study for Monday, so I ended up being awake till midnight and then went to sleep. During the night I received a sudden call from my girlfriend, but it kind of hung up on me, I was dead tired and couldn't pull myself together so I just fell asleep again.

On the next morning, I called her and asked what was it all about and guess what? Yesterday late at night when his father got back home, he went to her and asked whether she received flowers or not, she said no and the father was furious because I didn't give her any. And after that, he told her that he had seen us around a few times and knew everything about us and asked her to introduce me to him sometime;

Oh well, I believe neither of us expected this kind of turn of events but as everything went smoothly I can't help but be happy about it. This is almost as good as receiving his blessing, I guess? Anyway, that's all about it, see ya.

December

2010-02-11T11:53:00.000-08:00

As promised in this post I will shortly(more or less) review the events that took place in December 2009;

As some of you may know, the school that I attend is DSD school, that means, in our last grade we will have examinations to become German Language Certificate. For about last two years we had focused on the studies for those examinations. I will not say that I am that great in German language but it was my ultimate goal to become that certificate and continue my studies in Germany. So, the time when those examinations would take place was the beginning of December, thus making December 2009 one of the most important months in my life(:exaggerated:).

Stress? Not really, even though I was not confident in my knowledge, for whatever reason I was not worried at all. Also one of the most positive things was that the spectators were our current and ex German teachers. I believe there was one more, a young girl who had no relationship with ZfA what so ever. Of course, all of us thought that copying, or as we students call it, teamwork, would be almost impossible, but well, some managed, some didn't. God that young girl was giving me such a creepy look it annoyed the hell out of me, but in the end everything went smoothly.

We had to write LV(aka Reading), HV (aka Listening) and SK (aka Writing). First two were piece of cake but the last one gave me some troubles. I mean, the topic was 'successful sport'. Successful sport my ass, I did not like the topic and therefor lost the most of my time being angry. In the end I managed to pull myself together and wrote a more or less average piece of crap, sorry, I mean, text. Freeeeeedom, wait what? The oral examination was just around the corner, freedom has to wait just a little more.

The final examinations were oral exams, where we present our project (which we should have worked on for almost a year) and MK ( aka Communication). My project was German Rock Music, which itself, was quite interesting but the problem was, that we had about 4 minutes to hold this presentation. How the hell am I supposed to talk about everything in 4 minutes? Oh well, of course I pulled it off, but it's not only the speech that counts, but the way we present our work.

To be original, I dressed up as some rock freak from 60' and I believe they liked it. I even played part from Scorpions "Wind of Change" during the presentation. Oh god, they had forgotten to get me a CD player, so I had to use my mobile phone, and guess what? After I put it away, in few seconds, it rang. Of course, I said that to have them listen to the song I had to turn it on(duh, I never turned it off in the first place) and they nodded in agreement that it was partially their fault.

Freeeeeedom, right, that's what I had been waiting for. 10 year studies of German language came to an end. I was done with exams and the wouldn't hear the results until the Mai, so all I had to do, was to chill and concentrate on the upcoming winter holidays. However, my holidays would only start on 30th of December, as my math tutor just wouldn't let me free before that, and I don't blame her, as every single lesson is more or less important.

I guess I never mentioned, but there was a girl I had a crush on. Until recently I just couldn't figure out a way to get to know her better and get closer to her, but well some stuff happened and the barrier sort of a thing between us broke down. Also, once when talking to her, I found out that she was having a competition in Archery. Of course first thing that struck me was "An opportunity to meet her again", and I asked her if it would be alright for me to visit cheer her on. Luckily, she didn't reject the offer.

I remember it as it was yesterday, the competition took place on 26th and 27th December, Saturday and Sunday. Whole Friday night I spent thinking about places to visit after the competition was over. Of course, I was not sure whether she would follow me or not, but still. The sport, archery, wasn't that appealing to me, but still I had my share of fun. Oh and surprisingly I was nervous around her, even though mostly I am quite cool with that sort of stuff.

As I was sitting and trying to figure out how well she was shooting, I saw a familiar person appear in the hall. Even thought I do not have any antipathy for him, thoughts on my mind were something along those lines "Why did he come..." "Is he going to stay until the very end or is he going to leave?" I guess the reason for those thoughts was that having him there would limit my chances of going somewhere with his sister after she was done with competition.

As the competition was over, the three of us walked out of the hall together. Both siblings were like, yeah, we are going. And the sister asked me what was I going to do. I was like, "If you aren't tired, we could go somewhere" and I remember her brother going all like "Where are you planning to go" "For how long" I was like "around for a walk" he was like "Where exactly" god that was annoying. In the end he left and we took of. Apparently there was a convention of a forum members which we both were part of, so she offered to go there. I of course would have rather-ed to be alone with her but oh well I couldn't have done anything.

As we arrived at the meeting place, I met quite a few of acquaintances. Of course, they were surprised to see both of us arriving together, but they didn't question it for long. Soon enough, the crowd split in two, boys and girls, and of course I had to stay with boys. At first we were just talking at the separate locations, but later on the girls had decided to head for the cinema, and boys were getting ready to drink vodka. I was like "...are you leaving" and she was like "...yeah"
Well to be honest it was sort of a letdown, but I guess, she just couldn't read my mind at all, and more, she wouldn't have thought that I had that sort of feelings for her.

When the girls left, I stayed for a while with guys, drank little bit of vodka and then headed home, more or less disappointed, but well, it's always good to meet people you know, and get to know others. When I arrived at home, some time later, I texted her asking if she would be free after the competition on Sunday. She said yes. This time I guess it was clear that my intention was to be alone with her. On the next day, it was the finals, and she did quite well on the competition, considering it was her first one. She took third place, which isn't bad at all.

I had alot of places on my mind to go to, but I didn't know where exactly she would want to go, I mean, after 4 hours of archery, I thought she probably would be hungry, but she wasn't. Surprisingly, she said herself that she wanted to visit a new park that opened recently. It is located on top of a hill and has a breathtaking view on whole Tbilisi. That place, of course, was on my mind too, and I was overjoyed that she had chosen it. Once we were up there, we looked around for attractions.

Most of the hardcore stuff was still closed down for construction, and we had chosen to ride the freefall. It was just 30m tall if I remember correctly, but as it was located on a hill 770m tall, the view from it was totally marvelous. We were up in the air for about 2-3 minutes, or maybe more. At that moment, I wished I could freeze the time and stay up there for eternity, with her sitting next to me and the view on Tbilisi in front of our eyes. And we fell. None of us shouted or something of that kind, she's very brave, and I had prior experience with a freefall of 60m height so compared to it this was a piece of cake.

After that, we were looking for more hardcore stuff, but couldn't find anything. I offered her to sit on a bench for few minutes, she agreed. The bench was right at the balcony, so the view was just great. We talked a bit and then moved on. There was nothing more to check out in the park, so we started to think of another place to go to. I had an ultimate urge to ride a ferris wheel and the only place I could think of was the Zoo (Yeah, surprisingly, there is a ferris wheel in Georgian Zoo), She said that it had been quite a while since she last had visited the zoo so we headed there. God the ferris wheel was as good as a sick camel. The view was disgusting, the thing it self was almost rusty, dusty, dilapidated. But on the other hand, we saw few animals and had some good laughs.

We were done with the zoo so we needed a different place to go to. I thought of a theatre as I am quite fond of it. Surprisingly, she was fond of theatre herself, so it was a good decision. As we had a little more than a hour, I decided to grab something to eat. We headed for MC as it was on the way. As we entered the building, an unplanned event took place. Two of our friends were at MC and as soon as they saw us, they ran to us. They were all like "You two... since when... together..." and "I guess we should leave you two alone" etc. In the end they left. God I knew the word would get out that we were spotted together, and I didn't want anyone to make any sort of comments about us before I actually confessed to her myself.

Anyway, we went to the theatre, it was great piece, "Anne frank's diary". We enjoyed every bit of it and satisfied, we caught a taxi and headed for her home. There she got out of the taxi, thanked me, and we said good bye. When I arrived home, I was questioned like a criminal, about how long and why we were together by those two we met at MC. Of course, I didn't give out to much information, and told them to keep quiet about it. I can say with pride that it that day was one of the most memorable days in my life and the time we spent together was marvelous.

Now it was time to plan how and with whom I would spend my new year's night.
See you in 2010.

About me

2010-02-11T04:39:00.001-08:00

Greetings dear reader,

Well first of all I guess I should underline that I am total blogging noobie so I do not believe that my published articles will be breathtaking or something of that kind. Most likely from the beginning it will be quite boring so well be my guest and spectate how I polish my blogging skills.

I have given a lot of thought to the content of my blog, and I guess for now the only thing that could be worth writing about from my life would be my daily experiences, the everyday thoughts that I am willing to share and that sort of stuff. So I believe this will become sort of a diary type thing, which I do not really fancy, but at the moment I do not really see any other option.

As I do not want my blogging life to start from today, I think I will go a little back in the past and try to look for some important memories which I would have shared had I made this blog earlier. Do not worry, I am not going to go through every single day but only the most important ones. I believe I will start from December, as that month was important both for my further career and my private life.

In the end, I guess I'll introduce myself in few sentences.

My name is Rati, born in 1992, Tbilisi, Georgia. Currently I reside in Tbilisi. I go the state school, I am in my 12th grade and close to graduation. For now I live with my mother and aunt. I have no pets, however I used to have hamsters, all of which have tragically died(:sobs:). I have my sights set on the studies in Freie Universität Berlin, Germany, and I might be going there this Autumn. I have decided to study Business Administration, and the length of my studies will be 4 years.

Currently I am in a relationship and I am sure that there is a future for the both of us.
My hobbies are playing piano and skiing. The music that I am interested in is mostly rock music, I can't really single out a sub genre as I listen to everything from hard to country rock. As I said above, I do play a piano, but of course, I am not that great, as I have never actually studied it, I have learned it myself, even though my mother is a musician.